PINE NUTS: An Open Letter from America 250 to America 300
Dear celebrants of America 300,
It saddens me that I cannot be there to honor this cordial occasion with you, but I have been called home, and will have to witness your grand arrival to pier 300 from afar, don’t ask me where…
First, may I congratulate you on your quaint little colony on the moon. It wasn’t that long ago that we thought the moon was made of Swiss Cheese…
And compliments are due to you for implementing open primaries. I remember with a grimace how I registered as “No Political Party” and was granted the opportunity to vote for a lonesome dog catcher, running unopposed.
Encomiums should be coming your way for banning humans from driving cars and trucks. I’m still proud to be remembered as Nevada’s slowest driver ever. My one claim to fame was to drive around the village and see people pointing and exclaiming, “Ma, Look! The McAvoy Parade!” I’m hoping the Village of Incline might erect a statue this year at the roundabout, of my old Ford, followed by a long line of Burnt Cedar ducks.
Exaltations are in order for increasing the number of disagreements resolved in year 300 without the use of force. Kindness is becoming coin of the realm, and this sea change is admired and emulated the world over…
Kudos for figuring out how to get the salt out of water. Pabst Blue Ribbon was all that saved me from dying of thirst in 2050.…
The jury is still out on AI. Personally I never liked it, never used it, and did not suffer any from the depredation. The 19th century was always home to me…
I do wish I could have the leisure of examining what sorts of books are being written and consumed in America 300. It would not surprise me if books are scarce as hen’s teeth, and libraries scarcer yet, but you can probably find a video game store on every corner. I hope cage fighting will have gone the way of Gladiators, and that chess is making a grand comeback.
The music of America 300? Sorry, but all possible chords pleasant to the human ear have already been recorded. Still, you must keep composing and recording because it’s in your blood. With apologies, the music of the 1960’s was the best that ever was…
Making babies? Each generation thinks they have discovered the best possible way to make babies. We used to fear we would be overrun by babies. But the birthrate is falling, and a manageable population without extreme poverty is finally within reach. Well done!
I only wish I could join you in lifting a glass to the next generation of American experimenters, but they don’t have glasses where I am, only shovels to keep the embers glowing…
Finally, congratulations to the New York Knicks on making their first trip to the NBA finals since that epic comeback of 250. Enjoy a happy 300th birthday America. Happily, your grand experiment is percolating along jaunty-jolly…
