PINE NUTS: A Burlesque History of the Lewis & Clark Expedition
In the spring of 1803 President Thomas Jefferson was suffering buyer's remorse. He had just handed Napoleon 15 million dollars for Purchase of the Louisiana Territory that nobody knew anything about, including the president. So Jefferson asked Secretary of State, James Madison, "Jim, what exactly did we just buy here?"
Madison waved his hands in the air, as it to say with body language, "I'm thinking…I'm thinking!" After a pregnant pause, Madison offered, with the confidence of a Christian holding three aces, "Well, Mr. President, seems to me, you, not we, just bought Park Place without passing GO."
"What does that mean exactly? asked the president, puzzled.
"I don't know, but if I were you, I'd send somebody out there right now to find out, before Napoleon spends that money on cognac and you can't get it back. I know two guys out of work right now who would be perfectly suited for the job, Lewis & Clark.”
"Well then, outfit them both with a compass, a blanket, a plug of tobacco, and send them on their way…
"Aye, aye, Sir!"
So, Lewis & Clark started out from St. Louis, looking for what they knew not. Their assignment was to describe the Louisiana Purchase, but they had little instruction to go on more than, "Go that way!"
As good fortune would have it, they ran into a young Shoshone lady, Sacagawea, who saw they were lost and offered to show them the way, which was an easy task for her to do, in that nobody knew where they were going anyway.
The one and only instance of humor recorded on the excursion came when Clark accidentally stepped on the back of one of Lewis's moccasins, giving Lewis a flat tire, and starting him to hopping around on one foot, while Sacagawea guffawed out loud.
Well there were plenty of mosquitoes around, enough to suck you dry as a hat rack if you stood still for more than two seconds. One mosquito carried off the dog they had taken along for company.
Well Lewis & Clark & Sacagawea survived mosquito bites, snake bites, accidental gunshot wounds, plummeting over lofty waterfalls and cold sores on their lips, before finally reaching the Pacific Ocean and diving in, only to dive back out again, Sacagawea swearing in her native Shoshone, "Dang-Nabbit COLD!"
After a quick meal of Pacific snails, they discussed the routes they might take to get back home. Each of them had a different route in mind, so they took a vote, and Sacagawea's route won the day. Thus, Sacagawea became a hero of the Lewis & Clark Expedition, which should rightly be known today as the Lewis, Clark & Sacagawea Expedition. She also became the very first woman in our history to cast a vote.
And this is where we bring our short story of the LC&S Expedition, as it should not be taught in the schools, to a close…
