Where to Go to Get Away From Yourself

People may think Virginia City has nothing to offer, but they are mistaken. It is still part of Nevada, and that places it among the finest places on Earth to begin a new life, provided your definition of “fine” includes abandoned mines, mountain lions, and burritos priced low enough to feed a small army.

First, there are no professional sports teams. This is a tremendous advantage. In Virginia City, a man can spend an entire Sunday without watching 22 millionaires chase a leather ball while another 22 millionaires discuss the importance of teamwork. Instead, he may sit on his porch and watch a tumbleweed cross the street. The tumbleweed has no contract, no agent, and considerably better odds of winning.

Then there are Sun Mountain Oysters, made from bull testicles and generally deep-fried after being coated in flour, pepper. and salt. Sometimes they are pounded, which seems unnecessary since they have already suffered enough. Still, they are considered a delicacy, proving once again that hunger is the mother of invention.

Tourists are another advantage. They arrive by the wagonload, take photographs, buy souvenirs, wander around wondering where everyone lives, and then depart before sunset, or the zephyr arrives. Thus Virginia City has crowds without the inconvenience of having crowds for very long.

It is also low on the list of places anybody would bother nuking. This is reassuring. While the important states are being turned into radioactive parking lots, Virginia City will likely remain standing, chiefly because whoever has the button will ask, “Virginia City? Why?” and then go get coffee.

There are affordable burritos, too, which is important if you have 17 children, six dogs, and a mule named Clarence. A family can eat cheaply enough to preserve money for other necessities, such as dynamite.

Speaking of danger, Virginia City offers another attraction: mine chemicals. There is always the possibility that some mysterious spill may transform an ordinary citizen into a superhero. The authorities may call it contamination, but you should call it opportunity. If you acquire superhuman strength, remember to use your powers only for good, especially when lifting old mining equipment.

Many people were born in Virginia City and went on to accomplish great things elsewhere. This is inspiring. It demonstrates that the town produces exceptional people and then, in a magnificent act of generosity, permits them to leave.

You may also proudly participate in Nevada’s ongoing war against Las Vegas. Your contribution could be anything from disapproving of its traffic to refusing to admit that its casinos are prettier than Virginia City’s sidewalks. Thank you for your service.

Finally, your chances of being killed and eaten by a mountain lion have dropped to a mere 16%. That is not zero, certainly, but neither is it 100%, and in Virginia City this qualifies as excellent news.

And then there is the greatest reason of all: Virginia City is not California.

In Nevada, that is not merely a geographical fact. It is a philosophy, a civic virtue, and, when properly delivered, a complete argument.