The Patriot Who Declared War on the Flag
Some stories arrive upon a newspaper columnist's desk looking as though they have already written themselves. A sensible writer knows to leave them alone, for they are liable to bite.
Yet every so often one appears that hangs so low upon the branch that even a fellow of modest height, such as myself, cannot resist plucking it. This is one of those stories, and it carries with it enough irony to stock a hardware store.
It seems that on a pleasant Sunday in South Lake Tahoe, an industrious gentleman of thirty-six years decided the Republic had but one obstacle standing between itself and perfection: a flag fluttering peacefully in front of the police station. Rather than write a sternly worded letter to the City Council, attend a town hall meeting, or grumble over burnt coffee like the rest of civilized America, he chose the more athletic course of lowering Old Glory from its pole and attempting to set it ablaze.
Now, if a man intends to challenge the greatest military power on Earth, he ought to begin with a better strategy than attacking its symbol. And before the officers arrived, the flag had suffered the indignity of being dragged to the ground, though fire, being a notoriously independent creature, apparently declined to cooperate.
The comedy improves when one learns that this patriot of peculiar convictions had only recently been released from the El Dorado County Jail. He had enjoyed accommodations there after collecting charges of possessing drug paraphernalia and public intoxication.
Most people celebrate their release by calling a friend, finding a hot meal, or promising their mother they have finally turned life around. This fellow instead selected a police station as his next destination, which is rather like escaping a bear only to return because you forgot your hat.
The officers also reported that he had recently been shooting arrows at the famous Y overlooking South Lake Tahoe. I confess I admire ambition, but history records no successful military campaign against large painted letters attached to mountainsides.
His résumé, if one may employ so generous a term, has become positively impressive. Since April, he has reportedly accumulated six arrests involving narcotics, drug paraphernalia, intoxication, resisting arrest, and similar pursuits.
Some citizens collect stamps, and others collect fishing lures. This gentleman appears determined to assemble the complete set of criminal charges before the year expires.
There exists in every generation a handful of souls who mistake chaos for rebellion and confusion for courage. They imagine themselves revolutionaries while accomplishing little beyond exhausting police officers and adding paperwork to courthouse shelves already groaning under the weight of human foolishness. The Republic, meanwhile, continues about its business with the indifference of an old mule swatting flies with its tail.
The man was arrested once again and booked into jail on suspicion of felony attempted arson. Thus the journey came full circle, proving once more that while crime may not pay, it does offer one of the most dependable return-trip programs in government. Had he shown equal determination toward honest employment, he might have risen to middle management by now.
The flag will almost certainly be replaced, and the flagpole will remain standing, and the jail doors will continue to open and close with reliable precision. And somewhere, common sense will sit quietly upon a front porch, rocking in its chair, wondering how it became the rarest commodity in America.
